Tuesday, October 27, 2015

My Break-up - I still don't know why this happened

Everyone who survives a hard break-up is a true hero. Every single one of you. You are champions. You see the past and learn from it. You do not mourn it - you celebrate it. You believe that the experience will bring you even greater relationships and life experiences later in life. That's the true meaning of going your separate ways. Making your life greater than what it was turning out to be. Bringing you to a new level.

It's been just over two weeks now. I cried myself to sleep for the first 7-10 days afterwards. But I am healing. I am doing a lot better.

We still talk, but after I have finished getting all my furniture from her apartment I think we will need to break contact as much as possible (although small city, similar interests...) to work on ourselves and give each other the space we need to truly get to know new people.

First things first. We met when we were 18. Lovey-dovey, my first girlfriend, lost my virginity. Despite her having slept with a good number of guys I am the only one to this day to have truly satisfied her and made her feel comfortable in bed. I can be proud of that, I guess, having not slept with anyone but her.

She had severe family problems. I helped her and my family helped her. She got on her own feet.

We moved in together when we were 20. Perhaps a mistake. We always had a bad feeling about it. At least she did.

It's been one year since I first said to her that I thought our relationship was developing into a friendship. I was having serious health problems which drowned my sex drive down to zero. But we wanted to believe this could be fixed.

People around us broke up long-term relationships. We grinned and said: "Funny how everyone is breaking up. This will never happen to us."

My health improved. Sex resumed but was infrequent, perhaps 1-2 times a month, sometimes less, which has to be pretty lousy for people at this age. We didn't know what was wrong but acted as if nothing was. In hindsight we were probably both dishonest with each other and ourselves about this, even though in general we were very honest about most things.

A few weeks ago she began to grow more distant. We talked about trying to live in separate apartments without sacrificing the relationship. Never really went through with it.

At a party a few weeks ago she suddenly disappeared, leaving only a text saying "Going to meet my friend". I have never been so angry in my life. I knew it was over.

The day after the party we broke up. She didn't come home that night. Funny that it ended with her breaking up with me. But I really did agree with everything she said. We should have broken up a long time ago. Perhaps I was more of a dreamer. I didn't see the forest for the trees.

But the story does not end there. Still living in the same apartment, I got unbelievably curious about who she was really meeting. I knew it couldn't be the friend she said it was. It was just too unnatural. So I did something I truly regret.

I looked at her computer. I found out she had visited this guy's Facebook profile for EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE PAST 2-3 MONTHS. Before she left the party she had been IMing him in a sexual context.

Years before she had promised me to never break my trust. There were times where I was extremely jealous of guys she had been with before, for whatever reason. Had she broken that trust?

I tried talking to get something out of her. After a few attempts I had gotten enough information so I it wouldn't seem very far-fetched to connect the dots.

I know looking at her private messages and history was wrong. VERY wrong. But what she did was also VERY wrong. We are both guilty. It got way uglier than it had to be.

While in the process of finally moving out, so we wouldn't go crazy spying on each other, we had a few good honest talks. I finally got the truth from her. And I can guarantee that this is the truth:

She did not sleep with him until 6 days after we broke up. But she did stay at his "place" (read: room). She did lie to me. She kept secrets. And for that I am hurt. I never did anything to hurt her. But she hurt me.

I began to feel like she was choosing him over me. As if he was better than me. But that is bullshit. My feelings breaking me down. And I am over that now. The guy is about 10 years older, an alcoholist that "seems fun". Not husband-material. She deserves better. So much better. BUT...

...but she does not deserve me. Because I am going to exit this chapter of my life a stronger man. More confident than ever. Unafraid to take on new challenges and push my personal goals to the limit like the champion I am. Like the champion we all are. Everything else will come as a bonus along the way.

This may seem cold, but don't get me wrong. It is hard. I do feel lonely often. I'm not exactly the most outgoing person, altough I try my very best. I'm not the kind of guy to have one night stands, so my sex life is a beast that lays dormant for a worthy opponent.

This is what I believe. This is what keeps me from crying when the past comes falling down on me. I do not curl up and cry. I fight back and beat it back to oblivion. I am better than the past. My mindset belongs in the future, where even better experiences and partners on this crazy ride will come along.