Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Constant fear of losing something

You know, you can call me a brat, a kid who doesn't know a thing about the world, because I'm just sixteen years old and honestly, I wish it was like that.
Just to be a naive kid, to knows nothing about death, about money that seems to vanish and parents, who just get older and older.
And in their shadow follows death.
Certainly, but always lets go of them at the last moment.
Seems to always leave you behind with the message don't forget me, one day I will come'.

It began first when I was, I think, eleven years old. My mother had cancer. It wasn't that bad even though it was cancer, but we first didn't knew if she could recover. What made her conditions really worse were the medicaments she had to take. She was weak and you couldn't do anything than just watch. Watch your own mother die! And that three times a day! I never knew you could become so dull. She was never so weak.
I felt so helpless.
And what comes next? At the same time, my father wanted to finally go through her and separate. (Originally divorce, but he has the habit to overwork, so he was too stressed to go that far). What would you think of your 'husband', when he looks at the price of the operation in front of you and says 'it's so expensive'? The first thing that came to my mothers mind was 'is my life so cheap?'. I'm not even mad at my father, because I know that both of them are at fault for the divorce and the stress and that they both are sometimes just too.... stubborn and careless about themselves. Seriously, there are too many factors which led to their divorce.
I'm actually a bit happy, that they going to end it, go to the court. It's hundred times better to see them divorced, than together in the same apartment, one evening seeing your own mother cry, screams at your kind (at least to you) father, who does nothing than just be silent and seems to hope, that everything ends fast.
But what if you're father seems to look better than before after he also had something bad with his body?
Has more power and a lot more endurance?
Finally looking after himself properly?
But what if your mother isn't afraid of death anymore?
What when you know the feeling of wanting to commit suicide? When it's sometimes too much to bear with?
Even I know that I will never really commit suicide, because I'm afraid what happens next and how huge the pain would be.
But if that fear vanishes, what stops you? I think, because me and my brother are here with my mom, she keeps up with everything, but what if I find her one day collapsed on the floor, when I go home? Or one day, she just vanishes? And you never know, if she committed suicide or just left you behind?
And I'm even more afraid of the time when I'll become eighteen, because I want to live with my friends somewhere, not living anymore in my old apartment. What if she does it then? When it's like, I don't 'need' her anymore?

When I'm in school, I see her sometimes covered in blood or jumping of buildings. They're just illusions, but I can't help it anymore. I just want to run, but I'm too afraid of what happens, when I'm gone.....

Hell, screw everything.

Ironman 4 - The Sequel